It was just over a month ago, that I was in the icy realm of the UK celebrating my father’s birthday, wedding and bringing in New Years Eve with him. Three wonderful moments in anyone’s life, sitting alongside one another in perfect unison on December 31st 2009
Already it feels like those dramatic 11 days were so long ago – but they will remain with me, both haunting and comforting me for the rest of my life. 44 hours up in the air, traveling along dark icy roads and celebrating my birthday at 33,000 ft over Eastern Europe admittedly wasn’t much fun, so it’s been an unusual and surreal start to 2010 to say the least.
It was a bitter sweet trip, the friends, family, conversations, laughs and smiles tapered with the unavoidable fact that my Dad is suffering deeply from advanced cancer, the pain of which is at times utterly debilitating and all consuming for him.
It is heartbreaking to see anyone in pain, but when it’s your own father, wincing in his sleep, as you patiently wait for the morphine to kick in and provide some respite, it is one of the most confronting & distressing images I think any child can be faced with.
During one of his better days, I sat there in his office, as it snowed outside, the world on mute as he stared out to the white horizon and calmly said, “I’ll be lucky to see out another Christmas like this”. There was a pause. And then silence.
He said it not with fear in his voice but with a calm air of resignation, as if he had accepted the reality he may very well face. I on the other hand couldn’t and still can’t. It was a chilling premonition to reconcile and it’s an even harder memory to now revisit.
I don’t think any amount of words can’t accurately do justice to the way it makes you feel hearing an admission of such gravity. The words hang in the air like dense thick soup. It’s even more saddening when deep down, despite your best attempts, part of you is inclined to agree with that assertion.
I am truly a believer in the advances, power and resolve of science, I have a tremendous amount of faith and admiration for doctors. They helped him overcome the illness 10 years ago, but when you’re privy to terms like “quality of life” being banded around, it’s a sobering realization that there might not be a repeat performance.
But one thing I do know, with absolute certainty, is that December 31st 2009 will go down as one of the happiest days in his life, his wife Jules’ and mine.
From the church to the reception, to the dinner and the celebrations – I watched with my camera from the sidelines, trying to capture moments, the real essence of the occassion, its wealth of emotions, the warmth of the day and the hopefulness which permeated all four corners of it.
And what I saw above all was my real Dad shining through, with his new wife and sweet-natured daughter (and my sister) by his side.
He was utterly and thoroughly in the moment, to the point where I don’t think he even realized he was in pain. He reminded me of the man I had seen 6 years ago on my trip previously – larger than life, looking a little older but still as charismatic, bold and magnanimous as ever.
The distractions of well-wishers, outrageous stories, refills of red wine and unanimous bursts of laughter from the whole room utterly eclipsed whatever doom and gloom the previous days had brought.
The look of anguish and frustration, which had been riddled across his face since I arrive a few days before, was replaced that booming laugh, his eyes often tightly shut in fits of giggles and his trademark smile sat squarely touching ear to ear.
Mind over matter say they say.
It was a day filled with endless smiles, heartfelt tears and recollections of wonderful stories – the likes of which even the most brilliant imagination couldn’t conjure up.
What was almost instantly highlighted to me was just how much of an impact my Dad’s life, his generosity, support, advice and the experiences that he shared had genuinely had on others.
I was deeply proud to be his son that day. I saw another side to one of the most important individuals in my life and it was a side, which I had all too frequently underestimated all my life I think.
And I knew deep down, that even if this was to be his final public appearance before his illness became too overwhelming, he couldn’t have asked for a better finale, it was a graceful, dignified, compassionate and deeply moving end to just one of the chapters in his life.
I can only hope that when I get to his age, that I too am surrounded by such fantastic company with so many true and genuine characters.
It was as if we all existed in another place, a happier time, willing to leave our fears and preconceived ideas at the door and simply embrace each other – a genuine camaraderie brought and bound together by his legacy, love and friendship.
Getting married is suppose to be the happiest day of your life and I think the events of that day, with family and friends reunited, birthdays and New Years Eve celebrations entwined, all served as a rock solid signed, sealed and delivered declaration that everyone was utterly lost in the magic and memories of it all.
I can only hope, that at least some of my photos managed to capture even the faintest hint, of such a truly magnificent time in all our lives.
I love you Dad.
Your son
Alex 
Jules says:
I’ve just cried bucketfuls. What a wonderful tribute. Lots of love, Jules xx
Feb 08, 2010, 12:37 AMPete Fox says:
I have just read this with tears streaming down my face.
I met up with Dave Ward, a mutal friend, last night and Edward was very much on our minds. We discussed how we might convey our appreciation, admiration and love of Ed and ,with your forebearance, when I saw your blog this morning couldn’t think of a better place to do it.
I have know Ed since he was recovering from his first diagnosis and spent a couple of weeks sailing round Southern Ireland which was our first (of many) trips together in the company of other like minded soles. (or “shawles” as we imagined the Oirish would pronounce it).
Over the last 10 or so years we have sailed the length of Europe from the UK to The Portuguese Algarve in Eds` boat “Kindred Spirit” (I couldn`t think of a more apt name than that) and latterly from the UK throughout the Baltic to Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Finland and Estonia in his latest boat “Ocean Hound” (once again particularly apt).
I have had the privilege of spending many weeks with Ed both alone and with other shipmates and the absolute hilarity, fantastic passages, (sometimes involving sheer terror), the many people we have met on the way some of whom are still in touch, and the many experiences, a few of which were touched on at the wedding, will always remain with me as a reminder of the man who I consider to be my very good friend.
I am glad that Ed was able to spend his birthday and wedding day with his family and that distance was overcome by those that are important to him.
There have been many occassions when at the end of another “shitty day in paradise”, as we would jokingly refer to it, Ed, myself and other crew members would sit and chew the cud over the odd glass of sparkling water (believe that if you must) wives, partners and family are always subjects we ask each other about; How are Jules, Maureen, Joan, great. How is Neil, fine how is Alex, great, what is your youngest doing, Sean ? Ellana ? Rob ? Marian ? Very well, how is….! you get the picture, concern, affection, pride, always there.
Edward has just one more passage to make, I can`t help him to navigate this one but will be with him every step of the way, my thoughts are, and will remain, with The Skipper and all his family.
Best Regards
Feb 08, 2010, 8:34 PMPete
Susan says:
How beautifully you expressed your emotions Alex. It filled me with great joy and sadness. We shall all miss Edward, you just told it so well. Love Susan.
Feb 08, 2010, 2:49 AMMaria...... says:
Such moving words Alex I never realised eyes could leak so much…..
This wonderful man was not mine to lose, but he was and always will be my daughter’s father. So it’s with a heavy heart and such over flowing sadness that I raise my glass to thank him for letting me share a small part of his life and for giving me the most beautiful daughter…..Ellana
Feb 08, 2010, 8:56 AMRoger Hannant says:
This is the first time I have read this post from that wondeful day which will be treasured in my memory for the rest of my life.I commend you Alex in such a brilliant depiction of the day and to your father
Feb 08, 2010, 6:47 AM.
If I may be so humble to post a few words………………
I feel privileged that through lifes meanders I met Edward who took this complete stranger at the time on board and introduced me to some of my greatest life changing experiences.
From high seas adventures, to drunken evenings around the table…the companionship,the laughter,the fear,and the tears were all part of the Wain philosophy to life!!…….Live to the Full!!!
But behind all the bravado was the most kind considerate,wise and caring man that I am very proud to boast as a true friend.
Now that time has elapsed and my friend is now sailing the Great Ocean in the sky…he will be in my heart forever.
Safe journey Edward
Roger
Ellana...... says:
My Daddy…..was a great Daddy, the best. I have lots of lovely memories. I wish he was with me now and I will miss him forever .My heart hurts very much. He is not in pain now which is good. I think he is hunting on Solo.
Love you Daddy always
Ellana..your daughterxxxx
Love you Alex xxxx
Feb 08, 2010, 12:54 AMAdam Griffin says:
Firstly I would like to salute you Alex for this fantastic tribute as people have mentioned before me it is beautifully written and you have captured the day and your father perfectly, I would like to say that it was one of the best days of my life and without doubt the best wedding I have ever been too. I want to take this opportunity to send my deepest condolences to you, Jules, Eleanor, Susan, Beth, Olly and all of Edwards’ amazing friends and family (its a measure of the man that there’s too many to mention). It was great to see you again Alex and it made your dad and all of us truly happy.
If you picked up any dictionary and looked up the word Godfather if they had pictures there would be one and a description of the late, great Edward Wain. My wonderful mum and dad Pam and Colin Griffin have been great friends with Edward and everyone surrounding him for over 35 years. They have made some fantastic decisions in my upbringing and I have been an extremely lucky child, but the day they decided to make Edward Wain my godfather was probably the best.
Edward was always there for me and like everything he did in his life he put his heart and soul into being my godfather. He never ever forgot a Birthday or Xmas and always made sure he treated me to the Theatre or dinner on many occasions and without fail every year. its with sadness that i didn’t see as much of Edward from the age of 18 when I moved to London and never came back but he was fantastic at staying in touch. He was generous, charming, witty, annoyingly handsome, fantastic company and always up for the challenge.
I would like to tell a story that sums up the dedication and effort that Edward put into being my godfather. As we all know Edward was the finest non professional chef in Norfolk (Well maybe except his lovely wife Jules). When I moved to London Edward kindly gave me the Leith’s cooking bible. He told me that its the only cook book I will ever need and coming from Edward “Keith Floyd” Wain I took that as gospel. It was only when I settled into my tiny room in Bethnal Green and sat down to have a look through the recipes that I discovered Edward had taken the time to edit most of the book with Yellow post it notes and a pencil. For example over Yorkshire puddings the post reads “Ignore see mother”, under bread and butter pudding, rack of lamb and many others it reads “needs modification phone helpline 01760…….” Now we all know who would answer that number!! Moussaka reads “cheap and interesting”, very handy at the time i might add and Edward even added recipes. Not only was this extremely helpful but very witty and I think this story perfectly sums up how generous Edward was to others Edward wain taught me the joy of cooking and I have taught myself many of the great recipes over the years from the book (my Bolognese is legendary in East London thanks to Eddy and i must have cooked it over 250 times) . I have been a bit slack on the cooking recently for various reasons recently working late etc, but i have decided i will cook a new recipe ever week now without fail to remind me of Edward.
I like to think Edward is up there having a laugh with his great friend uncle Brian Cross (who we all still deeply miss). This is a really happy thought for me and one that stops the hurt a little bit, they are probably hunting up there together and drinking a very nice red and eating Oxtail prepared by Edward… Like Brian, Edward we will never forget you, the world has lost another one of its great men. I feel hugely privileged to have had Edward in my life for 32 years and will rejoice in the memories.
Rest in peace Edward and say hi to Brian for us.
All my love and gratitude your lucky godson Adam x
Feb 08, 2010, 6:04 AMBeth says:
Firstly thankyou Alex for such a word perfect tribute.
For my 14th Birthday Edward brought me a poetry book which i have read from front to back time and time again. Over time the book dissappeared into the abyss of the shelves at Holly cottage but when i finally came to moving out i re-discovered it. I had turned the pages of poems i liked but i found someone else had been reading my book!!! It Had two post-it notes stuck onto the pages. I knew that the book had been at the hands of edward (his scribblings on the post-its gave it away)
Last saturday I picked up the book and found the courage to open it at the marked pages. I knew this was the beginning of the reminders of edward, that the rest of my life would be filled with – the memories, his teachings, his quirks,his laugh, pictures and the way he hummed along to songs he liked the tune of but didn’t know the words to (do di do di do di) .
Edward’spost it poem:
Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie;
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.
This be the verse you ‘grave for me:
Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
As i sat at Edward’s side and held his hand last wednesday i finally realised what an impact this great man had on my life and how much he had taught me. At such a traumatic time I suddenly found comfort as i watched the pain ease from his furrowed brow as he galloped away to his cloud and sqeezed my hand on his way.
Thankyou Edward
Feb 08, 2010, 4:29 AMAlways in my heart
B x
Oli says:
Heres a little poem i wrote
Edward was the kind of man
who’s heart was made of gold
a life full of adventure
with great stories to be told
A jeweler, and a sailor,
A huntsman, a good dad
these are just a small amount
of the talents that he had
He will be the fierce waves
as you sail through a storm
he will be there in the wind
when you blow the hunting horn
a man who lived a full life
who brightened up our days
he brought much joy to others
With his kind and thoughtful ways.
‘pure inspiration’ was a motto at his shop, and i think that motto is a great reflection upon the man himself, Edward Wain!
Thankyou Edward for all the opportunities you gave me
Feb 08, 2010, 2:02 PMx
Frank & Jenny Michie says:
Hi Alex,
Feb 08, 2010, 9:42 PMShiela Mcleod told us to have a look at the photos but we were not ready for such a touching rendition which clearly captured the event, quite superb and deeply moving.
Well done,
Regards,
Frank & jenny
58 Days - Chapter 1 | Colours and Light | Created by Alex Wain says:
[...] Dad in the UK celebrating his birthday, wedding and bringing in the New Year. As many of you know, he was in poor health then, but the worst case was that he would have another 3-6 months. I told him that I would come back, [...]
Feb 08, 2010, 10:40 PMBruce says:
Such moving words Alex I never realised eyes could leak so much…..
This wonderful man was not mine to lose, but he was and always will be my daughter’s father. So it’s with a heavy heart and such over flowing sadness that I raise my glass to thank him for letting me share a small part of his life and for giving me the most beautiful daughter…..Ellana
Feb 08, 2010, 1:55 AM