Wow so i last checked in here, was way back on February 15th – that’s 58 days ago to be precise.
But what 58 days they have been.
Spanning 4 different countries, over 20,000km, soaked in tears, immersed in laughter and joined together by seemingly countless airport lounges, surreal situations and mixed with a healthy dose of syncronicity. It has proved to be without question, one of the most dramatic periods in my life, a sharp shifting of focus and a stern reminder that change, with all it’s trappings of fear, excitement and unknown, is inevitable.
I don’t really know where or how I can begin, because in my mind, to truly grasp the enormity of the past 58 days, you’d have to have stood in my shoes, juggling with a whirlwind of emotions each and every second, finding yourself at a loss to explain any of it.
But I suppose one should start attempt to start at the beginning, So it is from here, that I shall try my best to sum up this series of unusual and unexpected events.
Thursday February 18th 2010
After working in the same company for nearly 4 years and in fact being one of it’s 3 founding members – over the past few months I’ve found myself hitting a glass ceiling. That I’m not challenged as an individual, nor growing as a person – either in my knowledge, position or salary. And trust me, I work seriously hard – I always have.
Someone once said to me that my current work isn’t a job, it’s a lifestyle and it’s very very true. But when you put so much into something, you want something equal in return and like I say, for some time now I feel I’ve been giving and getting nothing back. Promotions and opportunities always seem to pass me by. Clearly I’m either doing something wrong, because I have been given numerous promises and false starts, all of which have lead to a dead end.
So I sat down with the General Manager (who has since been axed interestingly enough) and told him my concerns, that I didn’t want to leave, but that I felt isolated, lacking any direction, I wasn’t inspired and after 4 years – I really need a shift, something to excite me, something to drive me and stretch my abilities – something that would allow me to tap into my potential in a tangible way.
It was the meeting, where I thought they would understand me, appreciate my situation and be fully aware of the commitment, passion and sound work I’ve provided since day dot. After all, I’d gone from 3 people the golden era, to 60 people and red tape, survived 3 office moves and countless redundancies. But here I sit, 4 years on, doing exactly the same thing – when everyone around me, is either new or getting promoted. I’m the go to guy, who isn’t going anywhere.
So this was the meeting, where I was expecting a roadmap, where I would be included, what my new role would be and how it will be implemented.
Instead it ended like this.
GM “As companies become more and more corporate – everyone finds their own niche, everyone has a very specific job. Like a cog in a wheel.”
ME “I don’t want to be ‘a cog’ in a wheel, that sounds really demeaning. That’s not who I am. I’m more than that and I deserve better than that. I know I can offer more than just work by numbers, clocking in, clocking out and merely doing a job.”
GM “How long have you been working here?
ME “Nearly 4 years. Twice as long as you. You tell me, if you were in my position, after 48 months in the same role, aged 28 seeing everyone around you getting promoted and praised, when you trained, helped and guided them there – what would you do?”
GM “Well some people aren’t meant for the corporate environment. Some people thrive in the start-up mentality of being across multiple areas and getting their hands dirty, I know a lot of people that have left companies to join start ups. If that’s something you’re keen on, we can make that work for you. To be frank, if you were me, I’d think it was time to move on and look for another job. You’re role will change and become automated in the coming months as it is.”
And therein ended the meeting.
I couldn’t actually believe what I was hearing, that essentially we know you’ve outgrown your role, but we can’t do anything about it, we don’t see why would should and frankly we’d prefer it, if that’s your attitude if you left. The outcome, was the polar opposite of what I was expecting. After giving so much to a company, for them to turn around and say that I either assume my position as a cog, or leave utterly astounded me. One of the internal mantras is “We always hold onto and promote our best people.” and for them to willingly let me go, made me feel utterly insignificant, deeply sadden, foolish and unwanted.
That’s a hard gig for anyone to accept, least of all someone like me who always gives 110% in whatever I do. So I ended up going outside, walking down an alleyway and bursting into tears, because for me, everything that I had though and hoped for – turned out to be the complete opposite. They didn’t care about me, nor my development or growth, they simply cared about keeping the wheel turning. There would be another cog, to replace this outspoken one should it be needed.
I went home that night, thoroughly dejected and at a loss to see where or what I’d done wrong – but now safe in the knowledge, that if they didn’t want me, then I didn’t want them either.
Monday February 22nd 2010 (3 days later)
Those wheels of change continued to rotate and creaked into motion, first thing the following Monday, this time via my inbox.
After dating for over a year, and without any warning, my girlfriend decided it was best if we broke up. There was nothing sinister about it, she simply came to the conclusion things had run their course, even if I didn’t at the time. Over the past 12 months, was I good boyfriend? Definitely. Could I have been a better boyfriend? Unquestionably. I genuinely can’t pinpoint the reason we broke up to a specific event or situation – the time had come it seemed, to simply move on 
We had a fantastic ride along the way though, we really really did – some of our memories will stay with me forever. We had a deep shared interest in art, fashion, movies and music, but ultimately none of it proved enough to make it a longstanding union – sometimes you just have to accept the situation for what it truly is.
She taught me so many things, many of them indirectly, about how the world isn’t always black and white, that less is more, that being subtle and shy are two totally different things, how sometimes its ok to not be 100% in control, to see where life takes you, and that above all, how you should always strive to do something that makes you happy. That sound obvious I know, but it’s easy to lose sight of that at times, it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s demands of you and be swayed by the lure of what’s expected.
But when I reflect on the time she and I spent together, the experienced we shared, the funny conversations we had, our common bond and secret love for lame rom-coms – I do so, without any regret, ill feeling or sense of injustice. It’s always a very sad and disheartening situation when you break up, especially with someone you have vast affection for and after such a long time. Yet there’s no easy way to tell someone you don’t love them anymore, either way you’re both going to get hurt. And whilst receiving the news via an e-mail wasn’t ideal – and after countless nights staring at the ceiling wondering we could have done differently, in the long run I think she inevitably made the right choice.
She’s now on a different path and I’m on an different trajectory entirely, but all you can ask for anyone you truly care about, is that they find happiness both within themselves and with someone who will love them equally. Two people that give each other butterflies every time they see one another. We had that, yet somewhere along the line, lost it.
But I do hope one day she will once again feel those fuzzy butterflies swirling around her tummy and on that occasion, be able to hold onto them for good.
Wednesday February 24th (2 days later)
A mere two days later, at 10am as I sat at my desk staring out across Sydney’s rooftops, I got a hurried SMS from Jules (my Dad’s wife) along the lines of “Need to speak ASAP”. 6 weeks previously, I was with my Dad in the UK celebrating his birthday, wedding and bringing in the New Year. As many of you know, he was in poor health then, but the worst case was that he would have another 3-6 months. I told him that I would come back, to be by his side during those last few days.
But I never got the chance.
I left the office (walking down the same street after my ill-fated meeting with the boss) and made the call to the UK. I expected to hear “He’s suddenly got worse, you should come back soon.”
When I answered all I heard was
“Hey Alex, I’m so sorry but your Dad died today. Peacefully in bed with Beth and I by his side. I was talking to him and I said, if you want to go, you can…he squeezed my hand and with that he took a deep breath and exhaled. The curtain near the open window shifted at the very moment and we both knew that his spirit had literally floated out of the room. It was so peaceful. Tonight, when you’re by yourself, I’m telling everyone who knew him, to raise a glass to the sky and gave him one final toast – as he sets out on his next sailing adventure or hunt up there.” and then she and I both dissolved into tears, broken words and unfinished sentences.
I can’t really describe the sheer weight news like that has on you, it’s as if everything literally becomes frozen in time. The world stops spinning and everything falls silent. You’re standing there just reeling from it, as a myriad of emotions pan around you – like some unnaturally lucid dream.
As the tears started to seep into the screen of my BlackBerry, I messaged my boss and said “My Dad just died. Going home.” and I didn’t return to my desk for 4 weeks. I literally just left everything hanging in midair, stumbled home in an utter daze and booked my flights.
So there you have it, the first chapter as it were – as I recount these past 58 days.
6 days into it, a boss who didn’t care, a girlfriend who decided I wasn’t the one and a father who was given the timely and gentle release of death. They say change happens in three’s, but even I found that all just too much to handle, I was utterly overwhelmed and overpowered by it all. Each area of my life, suddenly was filled with frustration, sadness and loss in the space of six dramatic unexpected days.
Not the ideal way to start 2010 admittedly, but trust me – things do get a little better in my next chapter. They couldn’t get much worse after all.
Thanks, as always, for taking the time and for being here for me,
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