It was now our second day in Osaka and instead of heading out into the regional areas as we did the day before, we decided to go and explore a little more of Osaka city itself. Having arrived 2 days before, Dan & Jesse had already located a few landmarks for me to check out, having previously seen them at night, so seeing them during the day was a new experience for them, just as it was for me.
First stop of the day was at Dotombori, which in terms of Osaka is similar to their version of say Times Square in New York or Piccadilly Circus in London. Lots of youthful trendy types bustling around, huge neon signs and all topped off with lots of commotion and noise.
As if to highlight it, when we arrive there was an old man manically yelling through his megaphone at nobody in particular. He was clearly highly agitated about something, but literally nobody took any notice of him – which leads me to believe he might have been either drunk, mental or a religious fanatic of sorts.
Either way his message / tirade of abuse wasn’t getting through to the average person in the street – in fact the only person it did seem to spark into action was the nearby police. He was actually protesting very close to the police station itself (probably not the smartest thing to do.) so really it was just a matter of time until they descended onto him.
I’m uncertain as to what the law is regarding the right to protest and public displays of freedom of speech in Japan, but after sitting down, standing up, sitting down, standing up and steadfastly refusing to move, the cops decided they’d had enough, hauled up him and carried him 20 meters into the cop shop. Nobody seemed overly fussed.
I think he was consider more of a nuisance than anything, he didn’t seem to have any cause, flag, logo, symbol attached to him – just a old guy, barking at people and frankly annoying the majority of them.
I wasn’t entirely sure if I was even allowed to take photos of the police, for fear of being put in the slammer myself – so count yourself lucky that I was able to get a shot away! The surrounding streets were similar to what I’d imagine Tokyo to be like – full of zillions of signs, fluro banners and animated characters leering at you from the front of the buildings themselves.
The whole area had a distinctly cartoon-esque feel about it; every sign was completed with numerous exclamation marks begging you to take notice. I think the logical there, is that basically the more exclamation marks that are featured, the better or more amazing the offer is.
If you find this intense, it’s because it was. In fact, it was quite disorienting at times, because the entire district was so overwhelming – you literally didn’t know where to look. Things blinking, laughing, bleeping, pointing at and even singing to you. Here’s a robot crab for example. We visited during the mid-morning on a Tuesday, so you can imagine the chaos it would be on a Friday night, darkness all around the neon lights even more hypnotising and luminous.
We then went on a quick tour of the ‘Love Hotels’ which Jesse & Dan had discovered a few days before during their evening stroll – although both denied going to them, could it have been a case of “What goes on tour stays on tour?” I guess only they will know!
Hahaha, but in any event they were quite amusing, one was called “Puppy” and featured two plastic dogs out the front – one male, one female (don’t ask me why) and if those canine metaphors were a little too abstract (rabbits would have been more apt methinks) there was even a sign nearby which read “Spacious room for adult tossing action.” – just to avoid any confusion 
It was also around that time, the subject turned to girls….
Prior to the tour, Jesse had boldly stated “I will be meeting more than a few Japanese ladies on the tour! I reckon I’ll have 5-6 on surrounding me, it’ll be awesome!”
(UPDATE via Jesse: Before I left, I heard from a few people that Japanese women go for Australian guys, and obviously, I got excited about the prospect of some crazy Japanese girl attention. But once I was there, I realised that at the end of the day, its not if you are Australian, American or Japanese that makes you interesting, its if you are interesting yourself.)
Now as much as Dan and I appreciated his confidence, we both secretly knew that was never going to happen. So during that day, we started to wind Jesse up by asking him where exactly WERE all these lovely girls, whom he was allegedly going to to be hanging out with.
After saying that “It’s still early” and “Well, we haven’t got to Tokyo yet.” We turned the corner and low and behold Jesse’s fantasy came true.
Well partly true.
True enough lets just say to put both parties at ease.
He didn’t get any kisses or hugs or requests for autographs – but he did get several rounds of laughter and many more looks of utter wonder and at times bewilderment. I can’t quite remember the conversation; I do know that he approached first, enchanting them with the few Japanese phrases that he knew. It seemed to work spectacularly because all of the girls were utterly glued to what he was saying.
It was a really genuine moment during the day, where cultures literally collided and the universal language of laughter served to prevent anyone from feeling a stranger. As we wished the girls farewell, Jesse beaming from ear to ear proudly declared, “See, I told you!” Dan and I had to agree.
Jesse 1 – Dan & Alex 0
The subject of girls brings me quite nicely onto the next seaway – the Anime district, which as I found out, was an explosion of cartoon school girls, nubile teens and scantily clad fantasy superheroes’ armed to the teeth with bazookas, guns and swords. It’s quite literally a nerd’s wet dream. There are girls wandering around trying to seduce you into various stores, all dress as various Anime / Manga characters!
The entire area was crammed with comic book stores, action figure stands and arcade machines. It took about 30 seconds before Dan and Jesse were lured into all three – basically like kids in a candy store. From initially finding the whole thing hilarious, they quickly started making purchases and saying things like “I really like the details on this one. I never knew how intricate they were.” Through to saying “This one is really cool, he looks badass. She’s hot too.” slowly but surely the started becoming Anime addicts haha.
In one of the shops I found something I had literally never seen before. It was piece of card, which served as a cover that goes OVER the top of a box of issues. On emblazoned on the front, were two (yep you’ve guessed it) girls, pretty much naked merging into each other in a lusty sci-fi lesbian affair. Underneath, and this was clincher, it said “May I Be Your Tissue?” Honestly, you couldn’t make that up! I even took a sneaky photo of it 
For me personally, I found the whole thing utterly bizarre. I can certainly appreciate the artist merit in some of the artwork, much of it is astounding at times but the whole movement is a little unsettling for me. Maybe it’s because I can’t see the appeal or value of a $350 plastic figurine teen girl with bug eyes, aiming a rocket launcher in a pair of Hello Kitty bra & panties? But hey whatever floats your boat.
There’s no doubt thought it was an eye-opener, no such area exists in Sydney. It really confirmed to me Japan’s love and aspiration of remaining young at heart, it was amusing to see grown men getting tangibly excited over buying comics featuring vengeful villains and victories superheros.
Of course one thing men the world over get excited about is pornography.
And on a brief trek through the electronic district in Osaka (every shop sells hardware, software & gadgets) we walked past an adult porn shop. Maybe it was all the cartoon imagery that had been flooding my retinas all morning, but all of a sudden curiosity got the better of me and I decided that I needed to see some semblance of a Japanese girl who HADN’T been illustrated. Thus I lead Dan & Jesse behind the discreet white linen curtain and into the shop.
I say shop, but I actually mean corridor because it was at most two people wide. On both sides were rows upon rows of Japanese porn. Again, just like the comics they’re based on, it was all very schoolgirl / teen themed. The deeper you went into the shop, the freakier the DVD’s got.
I don’t actually find Japanese girls as alluring as the Scarlett Johansson & Anne Hathaway’s of this world – so its main purpose was lost on me, but it was quite a funny experience looking at the cover of girl basically doing her Uni work, then flipping the DVD over to see her getting gang banged by various guys in Wrestling masks. We all agreed it was at best absurd and at worst, just all a bit odd.
As the afternoon drew to a close, we hopped on Shinkansen – or more specifically, the bullet train. To put it into perspective, it screamed along covering 50KM in 10 minutes and yet as we all sat there in the carriage, it was silent. It apparently can crank up to 300KM per hour – scarily fast I’m sure you’ll agree.
Actually, no sooner had we got on, that we had to get off.
It was clean, fast, smooth and efficient – everything you expect from Japanese transport. It wasn’t even expensive either, costing around $12 to travel 50KM. Astounding really. So low and behold there we were, as evening fell in the depths of Kyoto.
Now I have to say, whilst I genuinely enjoyed Osaka, I really started to feel the shackles of everyday life falling off and holiday mode really kicking in during our time in Kyoto. After dropping our bags off at the hotel (which was surprisingly way more upmarket that we thought for the price!) we ventured out in the dark streets, with the icy wind of a mere 2c ripping through each of us.
As you can imagine, it didn’t take long for us to dive into the nearest bar with the light on. The décor inside, it’s audience and indeed the appearance of the bar staff themselves should have tipped us off. This was a place for the affluent, decisive and influential. Numerous CEO’s, company Presidents & industry big wigs huddled along the bar talking at almost a whisper between themselves. All casually smoking away, a low spotlight hovering above each stool, reflecting an amber glow down onto their silver hair, sharp black suits, crisp white shirts & staunch black ties.
And in we come, bursting the door wide open, the whoosh of the draft howls past all clad in countless scarfs, hats and pack backs – and at that point, all with numb faces. But even so, we were greeted warmly, designated our own private table and promptly served the local beer and a small plate of sushi.
When we got the bill, it worked out that each single beer had cost $18 each. I don’t mind paying good money for good quality, but the beer wasn’t that impressive, much less so at $18 a pop. We left the CEO’s to chatter about their employee’s into the night and headed off to Pontocho Alley – which as I’d researched previously, was home to all the major bars, clubs, restaurants and indeed the red light district of Kyoto.
Just how alive it would be on a Tuesday night, with freezing temperatures remained to be seen.
We had a pretty average meal by all accounts that night, a decent enough venue – but the whole thing felt like you were eating in a converted bank lobby with a load of University students. In fact, at one point that’s probably exactly what it was. But the service was good and more importantly the beer flowed. In fact it flowed enough for both Dan & myself to declare it was time to experience at least some form of a strip joint.
In my 29 years, I’ve actually been to 3 in my life (none of them sober) this was to be the 4th. I was intrigued as to what to expect more than anything, I certainly didn’t envisage any of us “going upstairs”.
After walking up the strip, we found a fully clothed girl standing out the front of a venue, with a sign that said “3000 Yen For 60 Minutes” with a silhouette of a girl next to it. None of us knew it was that was the sign for a show, for a lap dance, for sex, for a peepshow – no idea at all. But that’s the fun part, you’re in a foreign country, out of your comfort zone, you just roll with it. But it was at this point that Jesse suddenly became rather bashful and a little apprehensive “I don’t know man. I’m not into it. I don’t really want to go in.” giving me that puzzled awkward expression kids give their parents when they don’t want to do something. But after a little cohesion and me saying “If we don’t like it, if you’re uncomfortable…we’ll leave.” he agree to come inside.
So you can imagine our respective surprise when we were greeted by a room, the size of a large bedroom. Down one side is a long bar with two fully clothed girls behind it. Every wall, floor to ceiling was covered in autographed posters of famous tennis players and golf icons. At first I was naïve enough to believe Tiger Woods and Roger Federer had been here haha but we later found out the owner is a huge tennis and golf fan.
Odd choice of décor you have to admit. Even more odd were the circumstances we now found ourselves in. We’d all paid 3000 yen (which is about $35) and there we sat in a row of three at the bar. Behind it stood a cute girl, who spoke reasonably good English and must have been around mid 20’s. She explained to us that all the drinks & nibbles were included, you just ask her for a refill. She brought us out whiskeys and Sake; in fact my whiskey was so strong I swear she loaded it with 3 shots…not that I was complaining.
As we sat there drinking, she went on to explain that “the girls talk to you and if you want to buy them a drink you can, but its entirely optional.” So we’re collectively sitting there thinking that they’re giving us drinks to loosen us up and they’re telling the girls out the back to get ready before we go through into another room.
The whole vibe felt like a waiting area.
I even turned to Dan at one point and said “This is going to be awkward, me talking to a girl in her underwear who doesn’t speak a word of English for an hour.” But ominously 10 minutes quickly became 20 and at that point, still sitting at the bar my drunken light bulb went off.
This WAS it. She WAS the girl and this WAS the conversation.
The whole situation suddenly started to become more than a little surreal, a room covered in various multi-coloured blinking LED lights, sporting paraphernalia covering every piece of wall available, a girl teaching Jesse how to say “How long have you been here?” in Japanese (turned out it was her 3rd day on the job) and all the time I was essentially trying not to fall off my stool as Dan casually nibbled on some nuts next to me. There was even some J-Pop playing the background, adding an air of levity to it all.
For all our hopes and aspirations of Victoria’s Secret models prancing around or maybe the hint of some feather and glitter – all we got was some polite conversation, several bowls of nuts & (admittedly some wickedly potent) drinks. Over the course of the hour, we all chatted together about Japan vs Australia and all our cultural differences.
She basically acted our as tour guide telling us where and where not to go during the remainder of our stay and I came away thinking she was actually a genuinely decent person. She even admitted that she worked at RipCurl in Osaka (an iconic Australian surf shop) before at the very end of the hour giving Jesse her full name – so he could add her on Facebook.
If you look at it objectively, $105AU for one hour of unlimited alcohol & food, enlightening tourist information, Jesse got to practice his Japanese and Dan & walked out feeling vastly merrier than when we walked in. All in all, you can’t be too disappointed with that. Still I wouldn’t have minded seeing some Victoria’s Secret models floating around with a few dry martini’s in hand.
As we stumbled up the streets looking for another venue to intoxicate ourselves in, we bumped into a group of Japanese dudes, who were basically the coolest kids in town. As he had earlier in the day (and with his new found confidence after his recent Japanese lesson) Jesse again started the conversation and it quickly snowballed into one of the funniest moments on the entire holiday.
For me, the real highlight came when both he and his Japanese counterpart pulled out their respective mobile app translators. Jesse used his English to Japanese app to ask, “What are you guys doing tonight?” which they all responded encouragingly too. In return they used the default ‘hotel’ setting to say “Do you have a place where I can store my bags for 8 days please?” Which basically pushed us all into hysterics. We actually chatted to them for about 10 minutes, at one point there was even a robot dance off taking place – it was that good.
It ended with their ringleader declaring that “I. I. I love the Australia.”
With the 3 of us replying with “WE LOVE JAPAN” to much applause.
And with that, we parted ways – highlighting once again, that laughter is the greatest communicator of all.
p.s. View photos from the W.T.F. Japan Tour
