It was just over a month ago, that I was in the icy realm of the UK celebrating my father’s birthday, wedding and bringing in New Years Eve with him. Three wonderful moments in anyone’s life, sitting alongside one another in perfect unison on December 31st 2009

Already it feels like those dramatic 11 days were so long ago – but they will remain with me, both haunting and comforting me for the rest of my life. 44 hours up in the air, traveling along dark icy roads and celebrating my birthday at 33,000 ft over Eastern Europe admittedly wasn’t much fun, so it’s been an unusual and surreal start to 2010 to say the least.

It was a bitter sweet trip, the friends, family, conversations, laughs and smiles tapered with the unavoidable fact that my Dad is suffering deeply from advanced cancer, the pain of which is at times utterly debilitating and all consuming for him.

It is heartbreaking to see anyone in pain, but when it’s your own father, wincing in his sleep, as you patiently wait for the morphine to kick in and provide some respite, it is one of the most confronting & distressing images I think any child can be faced with.

During one of his better days, I sat there in his office, as it snowed outside, the world on mute as he stared out to the white horizon and calmly said, “I’ll be lucky to see out another Christmas like this”. There was a pause. And then silence.

He said it not with fear in his voice but with a calm air of resignation, as if he had accepted the reality he may very well face. I on the other hand couldn’t and still can’t. It was a chilling premonition to reconcile and it’s an even harder memory to now revisit.

I don’t think any amount of words can’t accurately do justice to the way it makes you feel hearing an admission of such gravity. The words hang in the air like dense thick soup. It’s even more saddening when deep down, despite your best attempts, part of you is inclined to agree with that assertion.

I am truly a believer in the advances, power and resolve of science, I have a tremendous amount of faith and admiration for doctors. They helped him overcome the illness 10 years ago, but when you’re privy to terms like “quality of life” being banded around, it’s a sobering realization that there might not be a repeat performance.

But one thing I do know, with absolute certainty, is that December 31st 2009 will go down as one of the happiest days in his life, his wife Jules’ and mine.

From the church to the reception, to the dinner and the celebrations – I watched with my camera from the sidelines, trying to capture moments, the real essence of the occassion, its wealth of emotions, the warmth of the day and the hopefulness which permeated all four corners of it.

And what I saw above all was my real Dad shining through, with his new wife and sweet-natured daughter (and my sister) by his side.

He was utterly and thoroughly in the moment, to the point where I don’t think he even realized he was in pain. He reminded me of the man I had seen 6 years ago on my trip previously – larger than life, looking a little older but still as charismatic, bold and magnanimous as ever.

The distractions of well-wishers, outrageous stories, refills of red wine and unanimous bursts of laughter from the whole room utterly eclipsed whatever doom and gloom the previous days had brought.

The look of anguish and frustration, which had been riddled across his face since I arrive a few days before, was replaced that booming laugh, his eyes often tightly shut in fits of giggles and his trademark smile sat squarely touching ear to ear.

Mind over matter say they say.

It was a day filled with endless smiles, heartfelt tears and recollections of wonderful stories – the likes of which even the most brilliant imagination couldn’t conjure up.

What was almost instantly highlighted to me was just how much of an impact my Dad’s life, his generosity, support, advice and the experiences that he shared had genuinely had on others.

I was deeply proud to be his son that day. I saw another side to one of the most important individuals in my life and it was a side, which I had all too frequently underestimated all my life I think.

And I knew deep down, that even if this was to be his final public appearance before his illness became too overwhelming, he couldn’t have asked for a better finale, it was a graceful, dignified, compassionate and deeply moving end to just one of the chapters in his life.

I can only hope that when I get to his age, that I too am surrounded by such fantastic company with so many true and genuine characters.

It was as if we all existed in another place, a happier time, willing to leave our fears and preconceived ideas at the door and simply embrace each other – a genuine camaraderie brought and bound together by his legacy, love and friendship.

Getting married is suppose to be the happiest day of your life and I think the events of that day, with family and friends reunited, birthdays and New Years Eve celebrations entwined, all served as a rock solid signed, sealed and delivered declaration that everyone was utterly lost in the magic and memories of it all.

I can only hope, that at least some of my photos managed to capture even the faintest hint, of such a truly magnificent time in all our lives.

I love you Dad.

Your son

Alex

Aside from the fact that I woke up today, to see this is anyone else feeling a little shocked it’s nearly October already?

It seems only moments ago that I was thinking about what hidden surprises 2009 might have in store, yet here we are, with less than 100 days to go until Christmas.

I feel if I’m not careful, I might close my eyes for a few seconds, only to wake up in the future, reclining in a nursing home, with a Yogi Bear cookie jar next to me and a mangy moggy on my lap, who goes by the name of Mr. Bigglesworth….imagine the thought.

One thing I often DO imagine, is the first impression people have when they stumble across my Flickr page. They must genuinely think that my friends are entirely comprised of some of the loosest drunken pirate fiends in the entire Sydney metropolitan area.

I wonder where they might have potentially got that idea from?

But enough of dust, cats, old men and drunk people, there are more important things to consider in this world aren’t there? Specifically, hehe, that back in June (just realizing it’s been THAT long already baffles me) , I mentioned that I was starting work on a new little project . Since then, there has been some seriously late nights spent beavering away, and whilst the timeline has moved a little, I’m really pleased to report that we’re looking good, to potentially reveal all before the end of the year!

It’s been really fascinating watching it develop over the past few months. You feel as if you’re achieving something as each little piece slowly slots into place. But until nearer the end of the year, I’m going to keep you in suspense about any further details. As the below picture shows, I’m all about keeping things on the down low haha

And finally, to recap on worldly matters since my last post

HIGHLIGHTS
I’m playing tennis again (Yes, even I was surprised!)
Sydney FC are top of the table
Got a decent return from Mr Tax Man
Credit Card balance $0.00
Bought tickets to Marilyn Manson
This photograph of Barack Obama

LOWLIGHTS
Still need that new bed
Fucktards who use Facebook to tell me things like this
Tax return is going on dentist
Waking up to the Sydney Dust Storm this morning!
My body trying to reconcile the notion of “exercise”

Hope all is good in your world, over and out

Alex

Moving - by the talented photographer American Psycho UK

I was talking to a friend today, who described in sympathetic detail, the bubble she finds herself trapped in, floating in relative comfort, yet having to painfully peer out in the great expansive world which surrounds it – a limitless realm of possibilities, filled with her hopes & dreams, delicately drifting past and achingly just out of reach.

It’s a scenario I think many people can relate with, if few ever admit. It’s certainly been true for me on several occasions and I’m certainly more aware of it than I was.

That “problem” as it were, is that unmistakable feeling of the routine, of a mundane existence, of simply getting by and excelling at being exceptionally mediocre. Not last in the race, certainly not first, just somewhere, lost in the shuffle, hidden in the unmemorable middle.

Yet that burden of at least “feeling” like you have little purpose other than working for “the man” or talking your way round in circles, is often tempered with that bracing notion of wanting more, of striving for more, of wanting to BE more. At least I’d like to think the majority of people have aspirations of a better life, as buried down & waylaid as they might be at times.

But despite those urges, I think a great deal of people fall victim to just accepting their role in the world as it is and conspiring against themselves to prevent change from ever happening, by hiding behind a lack of willpower, of belief in themselves and the financial support to do so.

I know I certainly have in the past.

The actual realization of your hopes, dreams and goals requires numerous sacrifices, hours of dedication, steely determination and a single-mindedness – all of which are enormous challenges, which are excruciatingly hard to sustain over time.

You have to genuinely believe you can make a better life for yourself, that you can effect change and find not only happiness & meaning, but your true place in the world.

For many people, that’s an incredibly daunting outlook. The fear of failure and change, loom large enough, to make being content satisfactory – consigning happiness as a mere perk. Finishing in the middle of the race, is better than killing yourself trying to be first and potentially ending up finishing last.

Whilst nobody would admit to holding that viewpoint, the individuals that do, tend to be the types with unrealized dreams & bigger ambitions, married to that person who is always outspoken, without ever being passionate. Content , but not happy – c’est la vie.

I can’t see myself ending up like that, but I can fully appreciate the ease at which you could. People often tell you that “You should live every day as if it were your last” which is a wonderful notion, but not so easy to put into practice.

The morning commute in bokeh

Realistically, when you earn enough money to pay the rent but can’t afford a holiday, when you enjoy your job but can’t see any career progression, when you love the familiarity of being a local, yet yearn to meet new faces, when you enjoy doing something, but aren’t passionate about it,  when you commute, when you really want to travel, when everything is merely satisfactory and largely unmemorable – how do capture that excitement of going on holiday, the magical of seeing an old friend, or that inspiring feeling of being involved in something you care about?

How do you allow yourself to feel a greater sense of purpose in the world, when you’ve resigned yourself to settling for a life that is often routine and unassuming, complete with the occasional pipe-dream and the odd infrequent highlight?

These are the  challenges both my generation and my friends face. Just how many of them can successfully overcome them or have the inclination to do so, remains to be see.

Sadly, not everyone can come 1st.

Alex

I’m sorry in advance for not updating this blog as often as I have in recent times. It’s not that I’ve been overly busy, I just apply the same logic to my updates as meals – only eat when you’re hungry, only post when you have something interesting to say.

I think a lot of people fail to self-censor themselves online, alerting you with endless notifications, sharing every banal, minute detail of their lives with you. It’s all just a clutter of self-obsession and endless noise. I don’t see any point in logging into Facebook to find out “Richard is a fan of sleep” or looking at Twitter to find out “Samantha just watched TV.” do you?

So whilst I don’t feel compelled to tell you what I ate last week, I do have the inclination to share with you items and topics which I hope you find some semblance of interest in.

At some point, I think we’ve all stopped and looked in the mirror, asking ourselves - what am I doing here? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? And more to the point, is this all there is? That genuine sense of being utterly directionless. Should I quit my job? Should I marry this person? Should I begin the treatment? Am I ready? I need to make this change, but how? It leads to depression, frustration and at times a sense of genuine isolation from the world. At least, that’s how it makes me feel sometimes.

Now, I’m sadly acutely aware that I haven’t made a genuine impact in the world, I’ve just lived in it. In that sense, you’re probabbly a lot like me. Very few people have changed the world (unless your Nelson Mandela, Malcom X, Bill Gates, Barack Obama, Rosa Parks, Ghandi or one of these 100) yet we all have the capacity. I don’t , however, feel I’ve even got close to trying, let alone succeeding in any minor way. I came into the world with nothing, it would be a hollow existence I think, to leave in the same manner.

Some are of the impression, that they’re changing the world by sponsoring the token child in Africa, whilst buying their $250 Nike trainers in the same day, but really they aren’t. They are merely a western cliché, crippled by double standards and an obsession for appearing to do the right thing. That is something I don’t want to be, predictable or compliant in ‘going through the motions’ , but it’s too easy a trap to fall into.

Look at how being charitable is considered to be an indication of changing someones life. The root of being charitable doesn’t always come from place of compassion, but occasionally a place of guilt. Rather than tossing a homeless person $2 from your yearly wage of $140,000 why don’t you speak to them? Offer them a shower & a bed? Make them a home cooked meal? That would be a vastly more powerful form of real change, that a token $2, begrudgingly handed over so you can lay claim that you ‘help the homeless’

Whilst I am hamstrung by my own intellectual shortcomings, handicapped by my environment and marginalized by my income, those factors shouldn’t  limit the concept of change which I effect directly, they merely alter the scope of it.

Radical ideas only exists because the majority are comfortable with routine,  wary of change or afraid to challenge perceived norms – anything outside of that is deemed a risk. But when humans overcome these barriers with curiosity, drive & passion, when there is a genuine desire to evoke change in a positive manner, be it circumstantial, inspirational, environmental, or humanitarian, it is the world as a whole which stands to benefit.

Human nature is inherent and we all have the capacity for good and bad. That’s why for example despite acts such as the Geneva convention and the outstanding work of Amnesty International, horrific cases of human torture at Abu Ghraib prison took place and Rendition is still actively used by the US military.

But one thing you CAN change is yourself, you control the scale between doing right and doing wrong, between speaking up or staying silent.

Change is often one of the hardest things to bring about, especially when it comes to one’s mental state, but more often than not, it becomes easier to accept and embrace once the process is underway, it’s that initial jolt we’re all so fearful of. That sense of the unfamiliar, new boundaries, new opportunities, unexpected twists and turns – the great unknown, both overwhelming and thrilling in equal amounts.

You can’t hope to change the world, if you’re fearful of change itself.

Alex

I don’t profess to be the greatest photographer ever, but when it comes to taking  photos, I try to do so, first with my heart and then my head. 

I hope you find a little bit of Sydney in them like I do. If you can’t see the slideshow below, click here 

Enjoy,
Alex

Well at least I do.

There is something delightfully magical about the start of a new year don’t you think? It’s not just a date on a calender, many see it as the opportunity to improve, make amends, challenge and grow themselves. I’m certainly looking forward to doing all those things and more over the next 365 days. Those NYE resolutions will no doubt be tapping me on the shoulder from time to time. But for all the euphoria and enthusiasm a new dawn brings – its important to take the time to pause and reflect on the year that was 2008.

It was the year America gained a decorum of respect from the world, by electing Barack Obama, a man with intellect, governed by an astute sense of calmness, mixed with a fierce resolve of integrity and compassion. A uniter, not a fighter if you like, with a genuine passion for looking at what is best, not just for the United States, but the world at large.

“I won’t be a perfect president, he had warned during the campaign, but promised this: I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.”

Can you ever imagine Dubya giving such an inspirational speech?

Thought not.

On a personal level, it’s been a year which has been as challenging as it has frustrating. Yet my holiday to Palm Cove was not only restorative, but allowed me to gain perspective on everything that was happening around me. I’ve had poor health this year, diagnosed with high cholesterol, my teeth needing major work and the daily pain of my lower back – all contributing factors there. Damaged goods as they say!

Until a few months ago, I had become disillusioned at work, a side effect of never truly having any separation from it (I live 6 minutes from the office) and ultimately failing to maintain that much heralded ‘work/life’ balance. If you commit to something so intensely, putting in the extra hours, truly living and breathing it, it fast becomes to the detriment of your own mental health – I see that now. I’m extremely fortunate my friends and family helped me recognize that, because without taking that holiday I genuinely feel that I was weeks away from a total meltdown, mentally & physically.

2.5 years without a holiday, working up to 60 hours a week, no matter who you are, will cause you to burn out.

There’s been some highlights of course, learning to cook for myself was a 2008 resolution which through the kindness of my friends I was able to achieve. Lending or buying me cook books, even giving me lessons, have now ensured that although I am no master chef, my ability now expands beyond the microwave ready meal!

I starred in my own TV Show, which was both a taxing and exciting experience. Not many people get that kind of opportunity, and I’m glad I got out of my comfort zone and tried my hand at something new and utterly alien to me. I need to do more things like that in 2009 I feel.

Speaking of 2009, I’m going to put my personal site back up online. There are so many web 2.0 platforms out there, MySpace, Facebook, Wordpress, Twitter, YouTube, Virb, Flickr, Photobucket, MSN Live Spaces, Bebo, LiveJournal, Buzznet – the list is endless. I’m on most but there is no centralized location where all my friends are or where my family can access my life without having to login to a variety of sites.

So I’m going to launch my personal site again, which will aggregate and be integrated into as many of these other networks as possible. So it will be a one-stop location, which will pull feeds and automatically update itself with my current activity – from any number of those networks. Fingers crossed, I’ll have it cooking within the first quarter of the year I hope.

A friend recently told me that, they wanted to have more levels in their life, more interests and options, so that when one thing isn’t going so well, they had other avenues to immerse themselves in. It prevents you from obsessing about one particular element in your life. After all, variation is the key ingredient needed to become a well-rounded individual is it not?

For example, if you’re overloaded at work, worn out and stressed, at least you could go and burn off some of that energy by playing tennis on Wednesdays afterwards or seeking a distraction in the form of going rock-climbing or dirt bike riding.

I really feel I lacked that in 2008 – that missing factor. I haven’t written music for over 8 months, even my other creative outlets such as photography, and design have all slowed down to. Hamstrung by over-tiredness, apathy, and downright lazyness. Don’t even get me started on playing sport!

So I want to do more this year, mix it up again, rather than constantly bounce around between work, the bar and the Xbox. I miss creating music and art, and whilst I don’t think I excel at them especially, I have a natural affinity in those areas and I enjoy both immensely. Could 2009 by the year I start to paint????

But just before I go, I want to say a very sincere and genuine thank you for everything you’ve done for me this year, for your kindness and patience, your thoughtfulness & advice, the laughs, drinks and hugs we’ve shared – and everything in between. I know I haven’t been the most active friend in 2008, and that over the past 12 months I’ve gone a bit AWOL, not returning phonecalls, canceling meet-ups or not replying to messages and I’m truly sorry for that.

You deserve better and I need to change that. 2009 is that year my friends.

Stay Safe,
Alex